Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
