He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
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Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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