She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
