Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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