is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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