i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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