the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
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Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
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I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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