Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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