My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize
