so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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