No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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