Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
