If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You are the jesus of drinking
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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