If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
