My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
