I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
