Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
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i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
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I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one