my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
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I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
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Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?