two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.