people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
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She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
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The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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