Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
