shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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