I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
