Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
