i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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