Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Randomize
