I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
