i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
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I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
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HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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