I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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