yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
