Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
