Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
