We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
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