Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
