I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
My feet surprised me
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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