You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
