someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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