so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Come back. Shots need mouths.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
we should paint friendship bongs
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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