omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
