OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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