You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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