So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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