The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
