i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I have fence marks all over my body
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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