If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
