What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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