omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
