I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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