he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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