If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
