Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
