Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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