dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
