I just threw up on my dentist
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
