Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
