I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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