Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
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