I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
