Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
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See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
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Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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