Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
