i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
