I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
