we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
