I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
